Roly Poly (Part 1)

Roly Poly (Part 1)

I never particularly wanted to go off to University.My life ambitions were already pretty clear; become an awesome composer and make a fortune doing something I loved.When Orion, my alien half-brother, and my girlfriend, Niki, announced their plans to go off to Sim State University and study, I felt like I had no choice but to join them.Naturally, I was worried about Orion settling in. I thought he would get bullied, what with being half-alien and all.Turned out everyone loved him and his quirky sense of humour.  He soon became more popular than I ever would.Good for him, I thought.The weeks rolled by.  Niki became buried in her business degree.  She had plans to start her own online empire, just to prove she wasn’t just a pretty face.As for me, I spent most my time playing computer games.  Hell, I was doing a Fine Arts degree!  I didn’t think it required much effort.  One evening, after a pretty hefty gaming session, I caught two of my room mates, Bobby Butler and Clark Gant, having a sneaky smooch in the kitchen. ‘About time you two got together,’ I said.  In truth, it was clear from day one that they had the hots for each other, which I personally found endearing.Unfortunately, not everyone shared the same views.  It was a shame that one of these people turned out to be my friend at the time, Elvis.‘I can’t believe those two queers,’ Elvis sneered as he dug into his dinner. ‘I’m still feeling queasy just thinking about them playing tonsil tennis.’At first I was shocked; a natural reaction to someone who you thought wasn’t a twat when it came to these things.  That’s why, to begin with, I thought, or rather hoped he was pulling a really tasteless joke.‘Relax, it’s not as if they were kissing you.’‘They might have well been; they were practically stood right next to me!’ His reply was reassurance that he was not joking around.  This was the real deal.‘I find it amusing that you’re so accepting of my brother, yet you can’t stand the sight of two men kissing,’ I explained, doing my best to keep a straight face.‘Being gay is a completely different matter,’ Elvis retorted, his voice sharp.  ‘It’s not as if your brother chose to be an alien.’By that point, I was done.  To refrain from throwing my plate into his face, I stood up.‘Come on, Rolo, you know it’s true,’ Elvis said, shoveling another mouthful of carbonara into his vile little mouth. ‘ You chose to be with Niki, didn’t you?’I didn’t answer him as, by that point, I had already walked away.  There was no point trying to convince him otherwise; he was too stuck in his ways.I apologised to Clark on Elvis’s behalf.  He had still been in the kitchen at the time of Elvis’s outburst.‘You have nothing to be sorry about!’ Was Clark’s response, horrified that I had felt the need to track him down in the science labs just to say what I felt was needed.‘No, I owe it to you. I associated myself with him.’‘And you ditched him as soon as you realised he was a dick,’ Clark said, before I could continue my speech.  ‘That’s good enough in my books.’I was glad that Clark didn’t seem all that fazed by what had happened in the kitchen. Still, it really pissed me off how narrow minded Elvis was.  The fact that he was the same age as me made it worse; I thought our generation had evolved past all that immature bullshit.  It also annoyed me that I had to compile a sketchbook for one of my degree units.  How was that meant to help me become a successful composer?I soon learnt the hard way that it wasn’t. Despite my confidence, I didn’t do as well as I anticipated when it came to exam time.As for Niki, well, naturally she smashed her exams.‘You need to buckle up and study harder next term,’ she lectured.  She never did want to be with a waster.  I doubt I would have even gone to Uni without her encouragement.Determined to do her and the Bailey name proud, I decided I couldn’t rely on the nature of my degree.  I had to go out there and earn it.

Chapter 8.8

Chapter 8.8 Nice day for a white wedding

Maple and Cory decided to throw a winter wedding in their backyard, just to be different.  Being insanely rich, they were able to afford ice sculpted chairs and a cute DJ called Tom.To Maple’s annoyance, the paparazzi also made an appearance since she was a Z list celebrity in the media world.  Fortunately, she had a way to deal with such inconveniences.

‘Hmm, that’s funny,’ Maple spoke out loud, ‘I don’t remembering hiring a chubby and persistently annoying photographer for the wedding.’‘Bitch’Soon, the official photographer turned up, just in the nick of time for the happy couple to exchange vows and what not.As it turned out, Maple was not very photogenic.Yet Cory was.For this reason, Maple favoured the long distant shots, and the ones where she was not gawping like a demented pitbull.During the ceremony, Pistachio was, perhaps, a little bit too emotional.No one, apart from his wife (Nicole), found it endearing.‘Now we’re married, I guess this means you’re gonna start nagging me more often now,’ Cory joked.

Maple stared him down into a deathly silence.He then quickly kissed her before she could ask for a divorce.‘Cake time!’ Maple enthused, and quite rightly so.Maple was quite happily about to dig into her scrumptious slice of wedding cake, until Devon Hoff made his way over to her table, balancing his own equally slice of awesomeness on his old arthritic hand.Maple did her best to ignore him as he stood there, but he soon enough spoke up.‘Room for one more?’ He asked, eyes hopeful.‘Give it time, she’ll come running back to me,’ Devon confidently said, five minutes later, sat at a completely different table.‘Sorry, old man,’ Almond asked, her mouth filled with delicious moist cake, ‘did you say something?’Meanwhile, since the DJ had decided to up and leave before the party was even over, the ever musically talented Rolo had taken over.‘I’m making musics!’Now, it was a common misconception that aliens unitentionally invented dub-step when they first attempted to make contact with humans.  Naturally this was not the case, and as soon discovered, this type of “music” played at exceedingly high volumes was very damaging to an alien’s eardrums, and thus resulted in Orion passing out and almost freezing to death in the snow.Fortunately, Tremayne had come outside to show off his new lover: the hairdryer.‘Suppose I’d better do the just thing…’ Tremayne sighed, and proceeded to thaw Orion with Brenda the hairdryer.Minutes later, Orion had been defrosted.  Tremayne cheered for joy, well, until Orion snatched the hairdryer out from his hand, tossed it into the pool and swore at Tremayne for burning his perfect alien complexion, before marching off.‘Why do I even bother?’ Tremayne sighed, then decided to head on inside for a piping hot shower.That night, several guests decided to stay over, and by stay over, I mean they basically decided to stand on the front porch and wet themselves because they had temporarily lost the ability to navigate themselves down a straight path and leave the property through an open gate. Pistachio was one of these people, which was why he was a bit stinky the following morning.

After breakfast, he approached Rolo, who was about to practice his mad skills on the DJ booth.‘Soon the time will come for Maple to pass the legacy down to someone, and personally, I think you’re best suited,’ Pistachio confessed.  In all honesty, he did not entirely feel this way and just fancied witnessing a bit of drama between his nephews.

‘Couldn’t agree with you anymore, Unc,’ Rolo replied, finally glad that someone had recognised his great potential.  ‘Basil may be a smart guy, but he does have a tendency to steal things at times; not particularly a positive role model for the next generation, right?’They continued to bitch about Basil until Rolo eventually noticed that his younger brother had in fact been standing right by them for the entirety of their private conversation, which made things a little bit awkward.Naturally, this gave Basil the incentive to prove he could be a just a worthy heir as Rolo could be.  He already had some pretty good traits, minus his kleptomania, so all he needed was a baby vessel, and he had just the girl in mind.  Tia Aquino was a generic pretty young lady who was in a few of his classes at school.‘Wanna go out with me so I have a shot at owning all the fancy stuff in this house?’Tia accepted his proposition, partly out of pity, but mainly out of greed.‘This legacy is giving me a headache,’ rudley interrupted Devon.  In truth, he was feeling bitter that Maple had selected Cory over him and the realisation that he would never become a valued part of the Bailey legacy had become too much to bear.Thankfully for him, this generation was now finished, which meant it was unlikely he would ever be mentioned again, unless Basil is selected as the final heir, but that is totally up to the public!  This time the heir voting poll will be posted up once the university chapters have been posted up.
I’m on holiday between 5th October – 16th October, so the university chapters shall commence on my return 🙂  Much love.

Chapter 8.7

Chapter 8.7  Damn Technology

A few months later, after fixing the main household computer, Basil had a birthday.Even his estranged father made an appearance, mainly for the cake side of things.‘See, I told you he’d turned up once we paid him!’ Maple laughed.Young Basil grew up into a not too bad looking teenager, meaning that he fortunately had inherited more of his father’s genetics than his mother’s.‘Why am I being blamed for the downfall of the Bailey genetics?’ Whitney complained, to no one in particular.  ‘If anything, you should be thankful that my genes eliminated the Mika Moore moose nose.’However, as it turned out, her input was no longer valid in this legacy.

‘Oh come on!’‘Erm, so, hey there, Death, fancy sparing my life like you did with my husband?’The Grim Reaper loudly cleared his throat, eyes gesturing down to the floor. Whitney quickly got the hint.‘Oh please spare my soul, wonderful great one!’ ‘Hmm, let me think.’Once the deed was done, old Grimmy made a beeline for the Bailey library.‘Now, time for some Game of Thrones.  I wonder if Ned Stark will heroically save the day?’Meanwhile, outside, Maple and Cory were too busy making out to realise Whitney had died.  Funnily enough, since they were getting old, they were scared of dying alone, which is the reason why they had decided to give things another go.‘I love you, Mape,’ Corry said, his voice sending warm flutters down Maple’s spine.‘Let me show you how much,’ he added.Maple was speechless when he whipped it out.‘Will you marry me, partly so I can get rid of my ridiculous surname?’For what seemed like several minutes, Maple stared at the sparkly retina-burning ring in awe.  She honestly never thought she would marry anyone during her generation.   ‘Oh, go on then!’ Maple finally confirmed, after deciding to play things cool, rather than start crying and beg for him to wed her then and there.And so, they were engaged and happy.Although deep down inside, Cory would never forgive for having another man’s child and would always resent Basil’s existence somewhat.The children were not too happy when they heard about their engagement.  Basil was particularly annoyed because he would have preferred for Maple to marry his biological father, despite the old man was on his last legs.As for Orion, he coped by taking a hell of a lot of space heroin and almost overdosed.All in all, it was a standard week in the Bailey household.

 

Chapter 8.6

Chapter 8.6 Love? Actually, not

Soon enough, Rolo entered his teenage years and resembled his Great-Uncle Aero somewhat, although it was probably just the hair colour that did it.This naturally meant he had to become a brooding guitar boy.His crush, Niki Minaj Nutella Natalis had also done a bit of growing up.After witnessing his Mother’s failure to bag a man of her own when she was his age, Rolo decided to quickly make the moves on Niki before another sim did.Perhaps he got a bit too carried away…
‘Mmmph!’ Orion was pleased for his half-brother, honestly, he was.His best friend and crush, Christie Rooney had thrown away their friendship by frolicking off into the arms of bad boy, Jimmy Harlow, whom teased Orion relentlessly for being an alien.To cope with this trauma, Orion became addicted to an alien invented drug called heroin.As for Basil, the baby of the family, he had recently aged into a child, a slightly plump one, although that may have just been down to Whitney’s ghastly “fat face” genetics, which had unfortunately been passed down onto Maple, and now onto both her children.At least it was better than inheriting the Mika Moore nose, ‘ey, Twix?‘It’s ok Twix, as long as I live we will share the same shaped nose!’ Hershey exclaimed, rushing into the Bailey legacy house like he still lived there (which he didn’t).‘Err, what’s this?’Hershey begun ascending towards the ceiling.‘Oh, snap.’‘Well, it looks like I’m dead, so scrap what I said about our noses.’ Indeed this was a very emotional and heart-breaking moment for Twix, having always been close to his baby brother  (flashback photo!).‘Erm, shouldn’t have the Grim Reaper shown up by now?’‘Ugh!’ ‘God damn scythe!  I knew I should of just used the front door, like a normal bloody person.’Death aside, Rolo and Orion had the most important night of their teenhood’s to attend; that’s right, Prom night!  Here is how dapper they looked.It appeared that at some point during this night, Rolo stumbled across Orion’s “special stash”.And somehow, without the use of his “special stash”, Orion ended up getting close to a stunner called Melanie Hester, who, despite having physical similarities to Niki, was not related to her.Orion was quick to work his moves on her. Unlike Rolo, Orion knew not to overdo the first kiss, thus making him a better boyfriend.Unfortunately, Basil took an instant disliking to Melanie after she called him Levi.‘Sorry, but you can’t blame me for assuming you were named something ridiculous?  Christ, your Grandfather’s named after a frickin’ chocolate bar.’Levi Basil did not take kindly to her response.It took two months for Melanie to recover from her injuries after her unfortunate accident with the ice-cream van later that day.

 

Chapter 8.5

Chapter 8.5 Dying for a sleepover

Despite being an alien, Orion managed to become the cutest child in the house.Twix debated whether or not to sell him out to the science facility for money. However, since his family were already millionaires, he decided against this.And thus, he decided to treat Orion like a Grandson and helped him prepare for University. Rolo, his true Grandson, did not have much of an interest in science or smart things, so there was no hope there.And his latest one, Basil, was still a lame baby.Whitney still had faith in Rolo, however.  She decided to influence him to be charismatic so he could talk his way through life.    Several uneventful months later, Basil started to develop some facial features. Fortunately for the family, he didn’t look a thing like Devon Hoff, and even possessed yellow eyes, so everyone just assumed he was Cory’s son.Whitney did not really care who the father was in truth; she was just glad he was not an alien.Rolo, who had gained the party animal trait at some stage in his short life, decided to throw a slumber party for his tenth birthday.This was mainly because he wanted an excuse to spend time with Niki Natalis, a cute girl who enjoyed karaoke almost as much as he did.That evening, they did a rather awesome rendition of “You’re the one that I want” from Grease, minus the leather clothing as that would have been slightly inappropriate.Whilst his brother sung various other songs from musicals and the other children poked the bee hive in the back garden with sticks, Orion was content playing video games with Christie Rooney, the only child in school that did not tease or bully him for being an alien.‘We’ll be best friends forever, right?’ Orion asked.‘Yeah, whatever; now shut up, I’m one kill streak away from getting the attack dogs.’For some un-earthly reason, the children thought it would be a grand idea to sleep outdoors, despite it was the end of spring, and the weather was irrational.On this matter, Mika made her views very clear.‘You children suck!’In hindsight, it was probably a better idea than sleeping in the kitchen, like back in Chapter 7.7.  This meant that Twix could actually freely conjure up some grub, without getting trapped anywhere.‘Wait, what’s happening?’ Twix asked as the bread board started to glow.  It took him a few more seconds to realise that the glow was in fact coming from him and his fancy pajamas.‘So, this is what it’s like to die?  Nice.’ A few minutes later, the rest of the family, minus the children who were still asleep, all congregated in the kitchen as the old Grim Reaper appeared to claim Twix’s soul. ‘I’m gonna be so lonely!’ Whitney sobbed.‘Err, actually, you’re entitled to remarry and what not,’ Grimmy said.‘Oh really?  Sweet!’Twix decided to do something a little bit crazy, figuring he had nothing left to lose being dead. and all.  He had been carrying a particular flower around with him for a while after it had randomly appeared in his inventory.

‘Please accept this as a token of my appreciation for all your hard work!’The room fell silent as the Grim Reaper stared at the flower, then at Twix, then back at the flower.  Maple winced, anticipating her Father to be whisked away into his platinum tombstone.‘O-M-G, Twix, this is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever given me,’ Grimmy confessed, his eye sockets welling up underneath his hood.  Meanwhile, Whitney fantasied about being wrapped in the arms of a muscular toyboy.‘Here, have your skin and stuff back.’Twix gasped in amazement as he returned to his former fleshy self.Twix was puzzled as to why Grimmy spared his life that day, for the sake of a flower, but soon enough he decided to just enjoy the additional time he had been given instead of fretting over something so trivial.As for the Grim Reaper, he thoroughly enjoyed the rest of his day, and found the most lovely vase to put his flower in.

 

 

 

Chapter 8.4

Chapter 8.4 Green Affairs

Life with the fridge people did not turn out as anticipated, so Whitney returned to reality and decided to focus on her own flesh and blood.This meant disposing of the things which did not fit this criteria.Fortunately, Tremayne booted up in time before he and Orion were recycled.  After that the two little misfits were inseparable.‘Enough of those misfits!  It’s Christmas, let’s partaaaay!’ Maple announced, ruining  the sentimental opening  to this chapter, and terrifying the poor blond guy standing in front of her.‘One of those misfits is my son,’ Sunnup said.  She had been invited to the party by Cory as he thought it would be a good idea for Orion to know that Maple was definitely not his mother, and also because Cory hoped he could participate in a bit of alien intercourse.Anyways, Maple had also invited a certain someone along to her party; Devon Hoff, the older brother of a guy she had dated during high school, and also one of her fellow work colleagues.This guy if you have to know (Morris Hoff).  Sadly he was married with children.Devon was not, thus making him a suitable man.
‘So, err, do you like stuff?’‘Devon, Maple is depressed with her current life and wants to bang you in attempt to feel better about herself,’ Almond translated.‘Erm, I’m not sure if I want that,’ Devon replied.‘It’s you or your brother, and in her current state she would definitely sink that low.’So, the following night, Maple ended up setting foot into Devon’s flat.‘You promise you won’t break up my brother’s family, right?’ Devon asked, body trembling in fear.‘As long as you promise to love me and take me away from my prison of a life!’ Maple chirped.‘Of course.’Spolier: He did not.A few months later, Cory was still being a doting father, despite circumstances had changed once more.Yes indeed, another little bundle of joy was on the way.Cory would have been thrilled, if it had not been for the fact he had not made woohoo with Maple for well over a year.Because of this, he had a small suspicion that this baby was not his.‘Ya think?’ Fudge sighed, before he continued to munch on the rotten food placed before him.Classy as ever.

Chapter 8.3

Chapter 8.3 Out of this world

As what happens often during a pregnancy, Maple went into labour.And off she waddled down the front path.‘Why are we letting her reproduce?’ Alice cried out, watching hopelessly as Maple drifted towards the edge of the road, where a car would materialise out of nowhere and take her directly to the hospital.Cory then let out a squeal, and not because he had heard rumours that the Spice Girls were getting back together.  His stomach and groin areas were glowing bright green!‘Okaaay,’ Maple said, ‘we’re just going to ignore that…’Soon enough, Maple strolled out of the hospital with a baby.  She named him Rolo since she did not intend to give him away.Maple tried to kid herself that life would not change, that sleep would not become a rare entity she would fight Cory to the death for.She knew it was a fight she would win.  It was no secret that Cory was getting pudgy: one too many waffles, or so everyone thought.He had also been out on a couple of dates during Maple’s pregnancy, although he could not fathom as to why his trousers had become tighter than usual since he often opted for a healthy autumn salad.One afternoon, after lunch, Cory felt peculiar.  At first, he assumed it was a bit of trapped wind, but after letting out a few, he felt no better, and Maple was not impressed.‘Yeah, something’s not quite right,’ Cory said.  It felt like his insides were being twisted inside out, and then were being draped around someone’s neck, like a feather boa.

‘I’m not cleaning up after you if you can’t make it to the bathroom in time,’ Maple stated.As it turned out, Cory was experiencing the joys of labour, and swiftly gave birth to a little green bundle of joy, wrapped up in a blue blanket.  Unfortunately the pictures of his birth were too explicit to be shown, but if you can imagine a whole load of icing exploding out from a piping bag, you are heading down the right tracks.Cory quickly pieced everything together.  The alien who had abducted him had made her intentions clear from the very beginning, although somehow he had forgotten about this small detail.‘Do you wanna have sex?’

Cory hesitated for a moment.  Sex with an alien; it could be risky, and he could easily catch some kind of incurable space disease and die, or worse.

‘Yeah, ok.’‘You player, you,’ he baby gurgled in a language that Cory could not understand… Alien.Then, he winked.After a few minutes of thinking, Cory decided to name his son Orion.  For some reason, Whitney found baby Orion more interesting than her Grandson, Rolo; it was a shame he would not be illegible to carry on the Bailey legacy name.‘Some could say he’s out of this world!‘ Whitney laughed after nattering to Fudge non-stop about how awesome Orion was.‘If this coffee wasn’t lukewarm and likely to do any damage, I would throw it in your face,’ Fudge replied.Whitney decided to try and seek  a new life of solace with the fridge people; perhaps they would laugh at her jokes?

 

 

 

 

Chapter 8.2

Chapter 8.2 Be careful what you wish for

Eventually, Pistachio decided to propose to Nicole.She rejected his offering.Pistachio struggled to hold back his despair, that was until Nicole stated what he had done wrong.‘I’m the man of this relationship; I’ll propose and you can wear the ring!’ Nicole firmly stated.And so, Pistachio gushed like a girl when Nicole dropped on one knee and presented the very same ring he had offered her.  It did not fit very well on his finger, and he was rushed to hospital to have it removed several hours later, but it was worth it.Sometime later, they moved out into a house nearby where they would carry on with their lives and occasionally be invited to Maple’s future parties.‘Sounds like good to me!’ Pistachio said, ignoring the fact Nicole was trying to strangle herself in the background of their idyllic life.  Back at the Bailey household, Cory was beginning to regret moving in with Maple, even if the rent was cheap.Despite they were not dating, it was only a matter of time before alcohol and desire got the better of them.‘You’re on the pill, right?’ Cory asked, realising where all this was heading.
‘Of course,’ Maple lied.A few weeks later, Maple discovered she was pregnant.She decided to announce this to both Twix and Cory over dinner.For some reason, Twix was furious at Cory, despite Maple was the manipulative one.  Even when she confessed this, Twix still blamed Cory.By this point, Chewie the dog had experienced enough drama and decided it was time to die.‘Come here you!’‘See ya!’ The Grim Reaper shouted as he tossed Chewie up into the portal.‘Now, to take care of other matters.’The Grim Reaper had been watching Tremayne for quite some time and was envious at the fact this robot seemed to have an eternal life span.  Even Grim Reapers eventually died, in fact, this particular Grim Reaper was the third incarnation since the Bailey Legacy had begun.  He wanted to defy the laws of nature, and made it his mission to do so by the time the Baileys reached their tenth generation.‘One day, I will claim you.’ Some while later, Maple’s pregnancy begun to show.Cory found any excuse to stay away from her and her pregnant hormones.
One night, out in the front garden, he gazed up at a suspicious aura of lights in the sky and quietly wished he could be struck by lightening, or even better, be abducted by aliens. ‘N-no, no!’ ‘I was jooooookiiiiing!’Little did he know the consequences that would follow.

Chapter 8.1

Chapter 8.1 – Bored yet?

‘It feels like we’ve been waiting here for around a month,’ Tremayne said, his cold robotic eyes staring blankly ahead. ‘Still, I can’t believe we’ve reached the 8th generation.  I thought things would have started to get tedious by this point, or that I would have tried to drown myself in the ocean again.’‘Err, don’t forget that Maple’s fronting this generation,’ Alice replied, her ghost face heavily weighing the regret of ever having a child with Ricky Bailey, no matter how damn sexy he had become.‘Alright, time to give my garage rapping skills a go!  So Solid Crew, don’t fail me now!’‘Twenty-one seconds, tut, tut, tut!’  ‘If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the beach.’Things weren’t all bad.  Honest.  Somehow, Twix and Whitney had a high relationship level and spent most their elder days flirting with one another; a disturbing sight, some might say, but otherwise cute.‘Darling, your hand feels like sandpaper against my face.’ Pistachio, the youngest of their children, had joined the military career soon after graduating from University.  Unfortunately, he had to start from level one as he found out the hard way that a degree in Physical Education is only beneficial for the Athletic career path.  This would be the last time he took advice from the ghost of Jameson Bailey.Almond, the eldest, was already level five or so in her business career.  At this point, her long term boyfriend, Gary, had been living at the Bailey household for a few years.  She suggested that it was time they moved out and started a life on their own.‘But we get free everything here!’ Gary whined.            Almond kissed him to shut him up.And also secretly bought a new house for them to live in.    ‘Alight!  Now Nicole can move in and sponge of the family funds!’And so she did, and Maple did not approve at all.  She often complained about this to Nicole when Pistachio was not around.‘Those hot-dogs aren’t cheap either!’‘I can’t wait to boot you out, along with my annoying little bro… Oh hey, Pistachio!’‘Gee, is that the time?’   Maple said, looking at her watch-less wrist.  ‘I’d best be off to watch that So Solid Crew documentary!’Meanwhile, Gnome Bunny wondered if anything interesting was actually going to happen this chapter.Yes, was the answer.  Cory had recently moved into the neighbourhood, something to do with his career.  He decided to visit Maple one day, just to mess with her emotions.‘Play it cool, Mape.’   ‘….’‘So, are you here so we can have children and get married?’‘Sure….’ Cory winced as he felt Maple breathe heavily against his neck.‘Well, this generation is going to interesting,’ Chewie, the last remaining dog in the Bailey household, said.And perhaps he was right.

 

 

Pistachio’s Nuts (Part 2)

Pistachio’s Nuts (Part 2)

The plan to win back Nicole’s affections was flawless. First of all, I cut down on being a dick.  Second, she loved dancing; I’d seen her go crazy on several nights out – mostly grinding against other guys to try and make me jealous.  Problem was, although I was physically fit, I had two left feet when it came to dancing and always resorted to that awkward swaying thing people do, instead of risking breaking a limb. Therefore, using a thing called the internet, I started my hunt for the best dancer on campus. Unfortunately, I had grown addicted to this game called The Peeps, where you create your own little virtual people and stick them in house, then either drown, starve or set them on fire, so I soon forgot about my quest.Luck would have it, however, one of my roommates was a decent dancer, and she was willing to teach me.       And I thought I was doing pretty good, considering my foot condition.‘You’ve got a long way to go,’ she sighed, ‘maybe we should learn something simpler.’Many dance lessons later, I gatecrashed one of Nicole’s pool parties.  She was not best pleased, but I managed to convince her that I could convince her that I was a better man.I figured things could go no worse than when we had crossed paths a month or so after the whole hot-tub incident. ‘How about I take you inside and warm you up?’ I had purred into her ear.‘I’d rather choke to death on toilet paper,’  came her response.That was a dark day indeed.This time, I was confident my plan would work. ‘What are you doing?’ Nicole asked as I reached out and placed her hands in mine.‘I’ll be your domestic King,’ I proposed, ‘I’ve even learnt how to clean and everything.’‘Also, I didn’t intend for that to rhyme…’‘Err, ok, but you’re still a douche-bag,’  Nicole ever-so-bluntly stated.‘I beg to differ,’ I replied.  ‘I’ve actually also took the time to learn how to make the best waffles in the world.’‘Seriously, they’re rather delicious!’Placing my arms on her waist, I told her to follow my lead as we started dancing a crazy combination of the waltz and a drunken walrus.  Soon enough, we got the hang of it and it was rather pleasant being that close to her.‘You’re definitely the strangest guy I’ve ever met,’ Nicole sighed, drawing her lips close to mine.  Then we kissed, and quite honestly my brain shutdown after that.‘If you hurt me, I’ll make sure you suffer.’  Those were the sweet words that sealed the deal.  Ok, then my brain shutdown.Despite this, somehow, I ended up with first in my degree. I was pretty chuffed to say the least.Nicole did well too, achieving a 2:1.  I teased her that she missed out on a first because of all the rubbish parties she threw.She withdrew sex for almost two weeks.  It was a very dark time.Before we left University forever, there was one more thing we had to do.‘I’m pretty sure we could get arrested for trespassing,’ I stated, staring down at the hot tub that had tried to bring us together in the past, but had failed miserably.‘They’ll have to catch us first,’ Nicole mentioned.‘That’s my girl!’Sinking into the warmth of the hot tub, completely naked, I sighed out in bliss.  To think this whole thing has been Nicole’s idea. ‘Get over here, you!’‘You know, I really love you, army boy,’ Nicole cooed.  Usually such mushiness would have made me vomit, but since we were in a hot tub, that wouldn’t have been a good shout.Locking lips, I decided I could get used to spending the foreseeable future with this lovely lady; even if her parties were a little bit naff.