Chapter 7.7

Chapter 7.7 Not so good at science

By the time Pistachio was a toddler, Twix was smitten and forgot all about the reasons why he’d been upset about his son’s birth.He was also proud of Almond, the middle child.She had turned out to be a bit of a genius and was excellent at chess and a majority of other logic based games.Unfortunately, she was not so good at science.Speaking of science, both Twix and Whitney were still attempting to reach their lifetime goals by pursuing success in the very same career path.  In all honesty, it was not going well for either of them.At some point, Twix and Whitney allowed Maple and Almond to host a sleepover party.  Hershey and Allyson’s oldest child, Horace, was also invited since they were usually too busy out partying to look after him properly.  Horace’s younger brother, Mitchell, had been adopted by the family cat a few years back.  Anyone that dared to go near him got severely scratched in the face.The sleepover was pretty standard; the children sat and stood around looking bored, some did their homework whilst others ate salad.Naturally, it was decided that the best place to sleep was in the kitchen / dining room area – forget the massive living room on the other side of the house.Twix got absolutely no sleep since the children had used their bodies as weapons to barricade him in. Horace also had little sleep.  Mainly because he was too busy trying to take pictures of the ghosts who came out to play that night.Poor Pippy was far from amused.‘Sod off you little turd.’The following morning, Horace boast to Almond about interacting with one of their ancestors.  Almond did her best to feign interest, but in reality she actually did not really like Horace.As Maple approached her teenage years, Twix decided this was the best time to try and butter her up.He did this by treating her to pizza and telling her just how special she was to him and how she should not rush into any relationships until she was in her late forties.Maple seemed to buy into this.That was until Whitney decided to pull up a chair and join in.      ‘My dad brought me pizza and tried to put me off boys,’ Whitney revealed, mumbling her words through a mouthful of pizza.  ‘I lost my virginity the following day.’  

A few minutes later, Twix broke down in tears.And so, Maple celebrated another birthday which people would soon completely forget about.She blossomed into a lovesick teenager who would no doubt experience several pregnancy scares over the next few years.Cointreau, who still had a thing against inferior genetics, did not approve and hoped strongly that Maple would not get picked to front the next generation.

Chapter 3.8

Chapter 3.8 – Kicking it up a notch

By the time Irish was old (aka in her fifties), she had achieved her lifetime wish of becoming the greatest five-star chef, ever.  She celebrated by having a lime sorbet, in the company of Admiral the gnome, whom she had stolen from France. Cookie also had something to celebrate.  His graduation, which none of his family appeared to really show any interest in.He was chuffed, however, to find out that one of his cousins (Minty’s daughter), called Megan, was also a ginger.  He had not seen her in years, so had forgotten.   Soon it was Autumn and Coco decided to visit the Harvest Festival.  The rest of the family gave it a miss because they were hooked on the Dexter box set Stacey had got for his birthday.

After a brief look around, Coco decided to try her luck in a pie eating contest.It was the most degrading thing she had ever participated in.And she still lost.She also gave apple bobbing a go.Moments after this picture was taken, Coco almost accidentally drowned.Finally, she braved the haunted house.  It was filled with stairs, slides, mazes, oh and scary things of course.  By the time she had managed the find the exit, it was the next day, and she was absolutely knackered, much to her dismay.  Coco had always seen herself as being ultra fit, so it was a shock to the system.  So, she decided to take up mixed martial arts, since she was a fan of kung-fu movies and the such.  With the use of YouTube videos, and plenty of classes, Coco quickly progressed up the ranks, seemingly gaining a new belt every day.  The spirits of Alice, Ricky and Pippy were so pleased with Coco and her apparent martial arts ability that they even came out to party in the garden, on the night Coco gained her first sparring trophy.Coco was grateful that her ancestors were proud of her.  Since it was apparent she was going to be the heiress for the next generation.She hoped that when it was her time to take over the Bailey legacy that she would not fade in distance once she started her own family, much like Irish had over the last several chapters…

Chapter 3.3

Chapter 3.3 – One in, Two out

As time went by, Irish became more and more pregnant each day.   Eventually, the inevitable happened.She named her baby boy Cookie, because, quite frankly, she just wanted to.Fudge was a brilliant Grandfather to Cookie and was thrilled whenever he held him.Oh, and yes, by then Fudge had managed to become a super-awesome detective.  Sadly, he had still not mastered the art of subtlety.Crissy, who had given birth to twins, decided to move out the house after realising that she could no longer go through with murdering and/or torturing Irish.  Several years later, she was arrested for a series of arson related deaths and was jailed for life.  A few months after that, the jail burnt down.

It was said that Crissy perished in the flames, but actually she just moved to a different neighbourhood to wreak havoc there.Anyways, a few months after Cookie’s birth, the island found out that Fudge was a super-awesome detective and held a super-awesome celebration in his honor outside the island’s Town Hall, with balloons and everything.‘This is so fricking awesome. Would really suck if I died now or something,’ thought Fudge.‘Shit.’‘Your time is up,’ the Grim Reaper announced, pointing his bony finger at Fudge’s ghost.  ‘Plus, your wife, Pippy kept nagging me to bring you to the spirit world.  Damn that woman’s persistent ‘  ‘Yeah, she could nag at the best of times,’ Fudge confessed, with a smile on his face.‘But, I suppose it’s only fair.  I did have an awesome life, so I guess it’s now time to give those in the afterlife a chance to experience my awesomeness,’ Fudge said.And, with that, he shook old Grimmy’s hand and requested if he could have a nap before he journeyed to the afterlife.  The Grim Reaper said no.Clearly, Irish was devastated when she found out about her father’s death, she had been such a Daddy’s girl after all.  What was more frustrating was that she and Stacey now had to look after Fudge’s clone, Caramel, who was currently going through a phase of thinking he was a pink Yoshi.Irish and Stacey decided to let Caramel invite a few of his school friend’s over for a sleepover to try and help him forget about Fudge’s death.That night, Caramel has traumatic nightmares based on the stories Irish had read to him from Ricky Bailey’s books.So did the kids, who decided to sneakily watch TV in the middle of the night, when Ricky switched the Disney Channel over to a documentary about childbirth.

‘Trolololo!’ 

Chapter 3.1

Chapter 3.1 – Make mine a double 

Thankfully, Crissy did not murder Irish in her sleep.  She got distracted by a nice young blonde man and claimed him as her own.When she finally remembered, Crissy couldn’t believe that she had planned to kill Irish in her sleep.  Still, feeling a little bit bitter about Irish once wanting her dead, she decided to sneak into Irish’s room one night when she was sleeping and, somehow, surgically attached a plate of fish of chip to her hand.

Needless to say, Irish was not impressed when she woke up the next morning.After having an extremely painful operation to remove the plate, Irish enjoyed a pleasant dinner of fish and chips, and a few weeks later she proposed to her boyfriend, Stacey, despite he clearly did not know how to dress or manage his hair.‘Yeah, I like, don’t really want to sleep alone when I have a pyromaniac ex-imaginary doll thing that wants me dead, so please move in and marry me!’‘Sure,’ Stacey said, ‘sounds legit to me.’Irish swiftly gave him a makeover to make him more presentable to other human beings.Being a bit of a loner, Stacey spent most of his time writing sci-fi stories.  He also liked painting, just so you know.Shortly after Irish’s and Stacey’s engagement, Pippy had an unfortunate accident on the “slip ‘n’ slide” in the back garden after she and Fudge had been drinking rather heavily.Sadly, it resulted in her death.The Grim Reaper made an appearance.  He had hoped to join in with the drunken poolside mayhem, but was annoyed to find that he had to send a body off to the spirit world instead.

‘Curse thee!’Needless to say, Fudge was devastated at the loss of his lovely wife.Like, really devastated Tremayne would have genuinely felt heartbroken for Fudge, if it was not for the fact he was a robot, so therefore lacked real emotions or a heart.  The very next evening, Fudge decided to do something which he had always vowed to do if Pippy ever died before he did.  No, not suicide… he actually went to visit the science research facility, and held the researchers at gun-point until asked the researchers to kindly clone him.And thus, Caramel Bailey was produced, a child clone of Fudge. ‘Oh ma gawd!’ Fudge exclaimed, peering down at his younger self. ‘Pint-size awesomeoness!’There was no doubt that Caramel was Fudge’s clone – not a random child that the researchers had snatched from the streets.  Caramel enjoyed being awesome, and also enjoyed sitting in the same armchair as Fudge.(Yes, the one below is an old pic where Fudge still had his beloved waistcoat… RIP poor waistcoat)

Chapter 2.4

Chapter 2.4 – Baby bait

‘The internet shall answer all,’ Fudge thought as he loaded up Google and typed in “awesome ways of raising up children”.  The information he found must have worked somehow because Minty made it to her first birthday without too much emotional trauma.  Pippy loved being a mum.  As well as all the child benefits, and the generously paid maternity leave, she enjoyed inflicting her thoughts and beliefs onto an impressionable young mind.   When Minty was nearing her second birthday and Pippy had forgotten all about the horrific pain of childbirth, they decided to try for another baby.  And soon enough, Pippy was pregnant and radiant as ever!Since she did not want to be a fat and frumpy mother, she made sure to do plenty of exercise.  Dancing along to the “Heads, shoulders, knees and toes” song was something she ended up doing on a daily basis, even after she had given birth.Irish Bailey was born in a hospital, like Minty was.Being a good child, young Minty completely doted on Irish. They often played together with the strange voodoo dolls which Tremayne had found in the scrapyard.Irish gained an unhealthy obsession with her doll, Crissy, which would later impact her adult life.As for Minty, growing up into a child with an enthusiastic mum and a charismatic dad had also turned her into a right party animal.  Her love for pancakes remained a mystery, particularly since Fudge and Pippy preferred having waffles for breakfast. Minty threw her very first slumber party a few weeks after starting school.  Unfortunately, it was an awkward one.  Fatherhood was a breeze for Fudge the second time round.  He thoroughly enjoyed looking after Irish since she was friendly and easily impressed.He would often take her out for walks, and sometimes used her as bait to catch criminals or find new clues.Fudge believed he was the most awesome father in the world, almost as awesome as he was at playing chess.‘Hello? Earth to Fudge!  Are you there?  It’s your move…  Ah forget it, I’m going home.’

Chapter 2.3

Chapter 2.3 – The wedding and pregnancy chapter

Fudge and Pippy wedded on a lovely Spring evening, in their own back garden, because they were classy like that (well, actually, they were too stingy to hire out a fancy venue).  Of course, Fudge donned his awesome blue tuxedo he had worn on his prom night.  Here is a closeup for your viewing pleasure. Pippy was happy that Fudge relented and let her cut the lovely cyanide lemon flavoured wedding cake, made by the ghost of Ricky Bailey. It was a smashing wedding, although there was one thought  that kept going through Pippy’s mind throughout the entire ceremony;

‘Is Fudge wearing make up?’   ‘Damn I’m sexy.  Guyliner rocks!’Once the guests had left, Pippy and Fudge totally had their own little private celebration in bed.  If ya know what I mean 😉 And in what felt like a day later, Pippy discovered she was totally pregnancy.  Like, totally.Although she was pleased, she had to put her acting career on hold as her pregnancy progressed since she struggled to carry out the stunts in her action scenes.Whilst Fudge was out doing his detective business, Pippy decorated the baby’s room; with help from Tremayne the simbot.  He suggested a space theme for the cot and the mobile hanging above it.  Fudge was responsible for picking out the logic building toy, and the doll’s house.  Fudge could not get enough of Pippy’s baby bump.  He was fascinated by how she was carrying around a little human being inside her.  Being an inquisitive man, he was constantly investigating the development of her bump.And he often made jokes about how edible it looked… …although he had to reassure her that, unlike his father, he had no intentions of actually trying to do so.

‘He was just an idiot, darling.’Pippy’s water broke in the middle of the night a few weeks later.Fudge remained calm and collected.Several hours later, at the hospital, Pippy gave birth to a little baby girl whom Fudge insisted they called Minty.  Naturally, Minty Bailey was a delight to all.   When Fudge picked up the soft bundle of joy for the first time, after leaving the hospital, he stared blankly into her bright greens (inherited from Ricky, obviously) and puffed out his pouty lips.

‘I have no idea what to do with you.’