Pistachio’s Nuts (Part 1)
‘Oomph! Goddammit, not so hard!’‘Ha, that’s what she said!’University was one of those things I was roped into since a Physical Education degree was necessary in order to apply to the military career these days. Shame it was ridiculously easy.‘Conclusion; he should have eaten more food.’The first party I was ever invited to at University was rubbish, and I was more than happy to express my view about this.‘Hate to say it Nicole, you really suck at hosting parties.’I must have struck a nerve because Nicole started getting all sassy with me.
‘Ok, boy, why don’t you host your own party and show me how it’s done?’ ‘Hmm, that gives me a great idea.’‘Nicole, I am going to host my own party and show you how it’s done!’And so I started work on preparing my awesome party. The first step was to the fix the juice keg, and modify slightly so more liquid would spurt out from the nozzle (whey oh!). Then I compiled one of the best playlists of all times, so incredible that to this day I refuse to share it with anyone else.On the eve of the party, screeching like a nine year old girl at a One Direction concert, I shimmied over to the juice keg, where a couple of cute ladies were hanging out.It seemed they couldn’t keep their hands off my nozzle (whey oh!). As I was about to suggest we got some body-shots going, I noticed that outside Nicole was sitting in the hot tub, fully clothed for some reason (at least from the waist up), all alone. Handing my half-empty cup to the nearest person, I tugged off my shirt and jeans, I rushed across the freezing cold grass and joined her in the bubbly warmth of the tub.
‘Hey, army boy,’ she teased, probably a reference to the camouflage patterned underwear I was wearing.‘You can take off your top, you know, and any other clothing really…’ I hinted.I half-expected her to get all sassy at me again, but instead her cheeks turned a light shade of pink.
‘It’s my first time in a hot tub and, as stupid as it sounds, since it’s snowing, I was worried about getting cold.’ I couldn’t bring myself to laugh at her stupidity, considering I was probably just as drunk as she was.‘So,’ I said, placing my arms behind my head, ‘since I won our bet with my party being so much more awesome, I guess that means you have to sleep with me now?’Preparing to scoot over to her, I was surprised when Nicole recoiled in disgust.
‘Firstly, what bet? Secondly, what the hell is wrong with you, weirdo?’Naturally, those words stung, but no more than watching her clamber out the hot tub, flaunting her perfect bum in my direction as she announced she was going home.‘And so I can only conclude that she’s a lesbian,’ I explained to Maple once we were back at home to celebrate some kind of special occasion or event. As always, she remained silent as she shook her head disapprovingly.Back at Uni, it took a few more weeks of partying and working out like a beast to realise that I was a bit of a douche-bag. That side of me had to change pronto if I wanted to live beyond the age of twenty-five.