Chapter 5.10 – Where did it all go wrong?
Before long Jameson received another promotion, which of course meant another coloured outfit and more “wacky” face paint. To celebrate, the Baileys decided to adopt another pet. This time they went for a cat, since cats are rather awesome. They named the little bugger Venus, after the razor brand because of her insanely sharp claws.At first Pooka was a bit skeptical of her, until she suggested that they went hunting for birds.After that, a simple high-five sealed their friendship for eternity, or at least until one of them died.Sadly, one young individual in the family was not keen on Pooka the dog. That young individual was obviously Cointreau. Everyone knows dogs can smell evil from a mile off, so she was more than aware that Pooka was onto her regarding her plans for world domination. For the time being she knew he could not prove she was up to no good, nor was she making trouble in the neighbourhood, so all she had to do was keep a watchful eye on him and avoid slipping up with her own evil schemes.Of course, Cointreau could not help but slip a few white lies to Earl, such as how Pooka had managed to destroy all the spare light bulbs in the house. Needless to say, he struggled to believe her, considering he soon discovered that her fingerprints were all over the shards of glass.That night, to make herself feel better, Cointreau requested that Peach read her a bedtime story, something to do with a pink cat who befriended a blue dog. The blue dog ended up getting hit by a car, and Peach could not understand how a children’s book could be so morbid. Turned out, however, that Cointreau had written and published it.A few weeks later, it was prom time, therefore Peach and Saffron got their glad-rags out. Unfortunately neither of them had dates, nor did they pull anyone that night, but Saffron was still chuffed that she won the title of Prom Queen.That very same night, Earl celebrated his transition into teen-hood. A few kids from school were invited along, two of which were unfortunate sufferers of alopecia… Or at least that’s what Mika and Jameson hoped. After Earl blew out his candles, he became a not too bad looking teenager.Having developed a keen interest for music during his childhood, Earl was pleasantly surprised that his parents had got him his own drum set. He proceeded to play “We Will Rock You” – a legal requirement for anyone who plays the drums.A few weeks later, Saffron was chucking her guts up in the toilet.Of course, Earl happened to walk straight in on her since he had not heard of knocking.‘I knew it was only a matter of time before you got pregnant,’ Earl said.‘You realise the baby’s head is going to stretch you wide open like this,’ Earl teased, gesturing with his hands to demonstrate the destruction the baby would do to her “lady parts”.
‘Shut it, douche-bag, I’m not pregnant,’ Saffron replied, unimpressed by her brother’s childish assumptions. ‘I caught Dad napping on the sofa completely naked earlier,’ Saffron explained, a small shudder shooting down her spine as she relived the moment, fortunately with a pixelated blur, which helped her cope with the stress and trauma somewhat.‘As you can imagine, it made me feel rather nauseous, especially when he admitted, after he got dressed, that he’d also napped that way on my bed countless times whilst I’d been at school.’ Satisfied that his older sister was not pregnant or had some form of eating disorder, Earl shooed her out of the room so he could flush the remains of the bag of cocaine in his pocket down the toilet, whilst Saffron went on her laptop to chat to men she didn’t know on the internets who were several years older than her.That night, Ricky sat alone on the sofa, wondering where his legacy, and his life, had all gone wrong. He later concluded it was pretty much since the day he had agreed to marry Alice Bailey. In hindsight, he would have much rather eloped with one of the youthful male customer’s at the bar he had worked in back at Bridgeport.